Mrs Caldicot's Cabbage War

"[Hawksmoor bursts in on the residents and some of the nurses dancing while Bernard plays the organ, in memory of Edith who died earlier on] Bernard: Uh-oh. Bandit at nine o'clock. Hawksmoor: [picks up a bottle of wine] Clear this drink away. Where's Matron? Lost your tongues, have you? Whose idea was this? Thelma Caldicot: It's Edith's wake. We felt she needed a good send off. Hawksmoor: Who says so? Thelma Caldicot: I do. Bernard: So do I. [others join in, supporting Thelma] Thelma Caldicot: It's all right, folks. I take full responsibility. I felt it was something you would have organised, had you been here. Hawksmoor: Don't you be clever with me. I want you packed and out of this place first thing in the morning. Bernard: You can't do that. If she goes, so do I. Thelma Caldicot: [sighing] Oh, you can't, Bernard. You've got nowhere to go. And this miserable bugger knows it. Hawksmoor: [walking away] Before breakfast, Mrs Caldicot. Thelma Caldicot: Just a minute. Oh, I *am* leaving, because I don't belong here. In fact, none of us belongs here in your second-rate, overpriced knacker's yard. And we don't need you or our relatives to tell us when we're ready for the scrap heap. *We'll* decide that. Do you know, I spent 40 years of my life under the boot of a mean-spirited tyrant just like you. And I'm not going to let it happen again. [she turns to all the other residents] Thelma Caldicot: Good night, folks. Everyone: Good night. Thank you."

"[a nurse has just witnessed sounds of passionate love-making followed by Hawksmoor and then Matron leaving the room with their clothing in disarray; Hawksmoor now comes into the dining room where Thelma, Bernard, Leslie, Joyce and Audrey are sitting with their arms folded, disgusted at being served cabbage yet again] Hawksmoor: What is going on? [no-one answers him] Hawksmoor: [to Audrey] Miss Nightingale, why aren't you eating? Hawksmoor: [to Leslie] Mr Hewitt? Hawksmoor: [to Thelma] Is this your influence, Mrs Caldicot? [still no-one answers him; they all sit with their arms folded, steadfastly refusing to eat] Hawksmoor: What exactly is the problem? Thelma Caldicot: It's rubbish. That's the problem. Hawksmoor: This is perfectly balanced dietary cuisine. Thelma Caldicot: Oh. Would you like to joins us? Hawksmoor: [to Bernard] Mr Livingstone. Bernard: I'm with Mrs Caldicot. Leslie: So am I. Joyce: So am I. Audrey: And me. Hawksmoor: [patronisingly] A missed meal can cause serious medical problems. I hope you're prepared to take on that responsiblity. [they exchange glances and reluctantly start to eat] Hawksmoor: Thank you. [Hawksmoor turns to leave the room] Bernard: Commander? Hawksmoor: Yes? Bernard: You're flying low, old boy. Hawksmoor: What? [Thelma turns to look at Hawksmoor, and smirks. Hawksmoor checks his fly and discovers that it is unzipped from his earlier "encounter" with the Matron] Thelma Caldicot, Audrey, Joyce, Leslie, Bernard: [laugh]"