Norm Macdonald: Hitler's Dog, Gossip & Trickery

"Norm Macdonald: LSD, that was about the strongest drug I ever did - acid. I don't know if you've ever done acid, but... When I was young, they would tell me, "You have got to be careful with that acid, on account of you can do it," and then you have a flashback. Like, ten years could pass, 20 years could pass, "and then you get a flashback." So I thought, "Well, that sounds like a good deal," you know? I went to my drug dealer Frank. I said, "Frank..." is there a drug on the market where I pay you $5... I take the drug, I get high, "and then, 20 years later, I get high again?" He said yes. And I think of myself as somebody who's good at stretching his drug dollar. But the point of the whole thing is for me to tell you young folk... that it's not... it's not true at all, you know? Because I have not done LSD since I was a teenager. Ten years have passed, 20 years have passed. Sadly, 30 years have passed. And still... no flash... What a gyp that turned out to be. I... Just more horseshit by the big acid companies if you ask me."

"Norm Macdonald: There's only one country that frightens me - that's the country of Germany. I don't know if you guys are students of history or not, but... For those of you who aren't, Germany, in the previous century - in the early part... they decided to go to war. And who did they choose to go to war with? The world. So you think that would last about five seconds and the world would fucking win, and that would be that. But it was actually close. And then... I don't know how that worked, but... Then 30 years pass, and Germany decides to go to war again. And, once again, they choose as their foe... the world! And now... this time, they really almost win. So at this point you would think the world would go, "Germany, you're fucking not a country any more, all right?" "What the fuck?" "You're not a country because you keep going to war with the world," and... no one does... "What do you think you are, Mars?" "Do you think you're Mars or something?""