The Rise of the Nutters

"Malcolm Tucker: [preparing Ben for going on TV again] Get him properly fucking screen-tested! I'm sorry, mate, but you need a lot of powder. I've never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head! Ben Swain: No, I've lost my... erm... safety... Malcolm Tucker: Who was it that did your media training? Myra Hindley? It's terrible! All these hands all over the place! You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work! Ben Swain: Yes, I know all that. It just, kinda, fell away. It's like one of those dreams when you're wandering around Covent Garden with just a west and everyone's staring at you. Jamie: It was much worse than that. I mean, how many people see you at Covent Garden? A few thousands? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people! That's more people than saw Al Jolson in his fucking career! And that's Al fucking Jolson! Malcolm Tucker: He loves Al Jolson. Jamie: The Guvnor! Oliver Reeder: Maaameee! Jamie: You take the piss out of Al Jolson again and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath and push it up your cock! Then I'll put some speakers up your arse and put it on shuffle with my fucking fist. And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track by crushing your balls!"

"Malcolm Tucker: [coughing after smoking a cigar] Oh... That's like smoking dead skin, that is! Jamie: It's not a proper cigar! Proper cigars are those big Cuban whoppers, that is just a jumped up fag. Malcolm Tucker: [Ollie comes over] Talking of which. [to Ollie] Malcolm Tucker: Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects. Jamie: Hand-rolled on a thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids. Oliver Reeder: Yeah, thanks. Malcolm, I just wondered if we could have a quick word, actually. The Opposition have got the week at the coalface idea, they're gonna do it. Jamie: Who? When? Oliver Reeder: Peter Mannion, I don't know when. Malcolm Tucker: How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend! Jesus Christ! Jamie: You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago! Oliver Reeder: I would have done, I would have done, she IS mad, she's a mental woman but you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her just in case I found anything else! Jamie: And what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever! You're David fucking Niven!"