Porky's

"Balbricker: [as all the staff members keep their mouths covered to stop laughing] Now, Mr. Carter. I know this is completely unorthodox. But I think this is the only way to find that boy. Now that penis had a mole on it - I'd recognize that penis anywhere. In spite of the juvenile snickers of some, this is a serious matter. That seducer and despoiler must be stopped; he's extremely dangerous. And, Mr. Carter, I'm certain that everyone in this room knows who that is. He's a contemptible little pervert who... Mr. Carter: [abrupt] Miss Balbricker! Balbricker: Well, I'm sorry, but I've got him now, and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers again [a murmur of mirth rises from several occupants] Balbricker: . Now, all I'm asking is that you give me five boys for a few minutes. The coaches can be present - Tommy Turner and any four boys you see fit to choose and we... and we... can put a stop to this menace. And it is a menace. [pause] Balbricker: [irritably] Well, what are you gonna do about it? [Carter hums and hars] Mr. Carter: Err [finally speaks] Mr. Carter: Five young boys in the nude, a police line-up so that you can identify his tallywhacker. [sighs] Mr. Carter: Please, please can we call it a "tallywhacker"? Penis is so ppp... penis is so personal. Balbricker: We can put hoods over their heads to avoid embarrassment [Carter repeats "Hoods" in disbelief] Balbricker: . Now listen: we have got to do it, as distasteful as it is. I know it's him. That [pause] Balbricker: tallywhacker had a mole on it. And that mole is the key to it. Mr. Carter: Miss Balbricker, do you realize the difficulty of your request? Now, I would be very happy to, uh, to apprehend the young man myself. But can you imagine what the board of education would say if you were granted a line-up in order to examine their private pa... aaa... their... yaha... [composes himself] Mr. Carter: their private parts [now firmly] Mr. Carter: for an incriminating mole? Balbricker: But Mr. Carter. Coach Brakett: [stops stifling his giggling and speaks up] Mr. Carter, I think I have a way out of this. We, uh, call the police, and we have 'em send over one of their sketch artists. [Carter rolls his eyes] Coach Brakett: And Miss Balbricker can give a description. We can put up "Wanted" posters all over school... "Have you seen this prick? [Carter struggles not to grin] Coach Brakett: Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker. Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous. [falls off his chair] Coach Brakett: It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School." [everyone including Carter falls about laughing in hysterics as an enraged Balbricker storms out in a fury]"

"Wendy: [answering the phone behind the counter at the roadside diner] Deadbeats. Pee Wee Morris: [into pay phone in the parking lot, disguising his voice] Hello. Hi. I'm lookin' for a friend of mine. He's supposed to be there. Wendy: What's his name? Pee Wee Morris: His name's Michael Hunt... uh, Mike, Mike. Yes, Mike. Wendy: Mike Hunt? Okay, just hang on a minute. [raising her voice to address the patrons] Wendy: Is Mike Hunt here? Wendy: Is Mike Hunt here? [patrons begin to chuckle] Wendy: Has anybody seen Mike Hunt? Meat: Practically everybody in town, from what I hear. Wendy: [her voice over the loud-speaker system in the parking lot] Is Mike Hunt in the parking lot? Is Mike Hunt in the parking lot? Is Mike Hunt... Wendy: Do you guys know Mike... [realizes she has been tricked] Wendy: Pee Wee! I'm gonna get you! You little prick! And I mean that LITERALLY!"