George Carlin: Complaints & Grievances

"George Carlin: Folks, on these answering machines, do me a favor, would you, please? When you record your outgoing message, don't bother telling me you can't come to the phone. I understand that. Apparently, that's why we have these machines. And don't tell me to leave my name and number. Somehow, I figured that out. And if you work in an office, never mind that stuff, "I'm away from my desk." If you had to take a shit, say so. You say, "Hi, this is Mary Louise. I had the Mexican jalapeño bean chili dip, and I washed it down with a gallon of gin. I'll be in and out all day.""

"George Carlin: And I'm getting really sick of guys named Todd. You know? Yeah, it's just a goofy... it's a goofy fucking name, okay? Hi, what's your name? "Todd! I'm Todd. And this is Blake and Blair and Blaine and Brent." Where are all these goofy fucking boys' names coming from? Taylor, Tyler, Jordan, Flynn. These are NOT real names! [laughter] George Carlin: You want to hear a real name? Eddie. Eddie is a real name. Whatever happened to Eddie? He was here a minute ago. Joey and Jackie and Johnny and Phil. Bobby and Tommy and Danny and Bill. What happened, *Todd*? And Cody, and Dylan, and Cameron, and Tucker. Hi, Tucker, I'm Todd. "Hi, Todd, I'm Tucker." Fuck Tucker; Tucker sucks. [laughter] George Carlin: And fuck Tucker's friend, Kyle. [laughter and applause] George Carlin: You know? Yeah. There's another soft name for a boy, Kyle. Soft names make soft people. I'll bet you anything that ten times out of ten, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker. [laughter]"